Bereavement Support Counseling Guide: For Neonatal Loss

A Note for You, the Counselor: Your Most Important Call

Your Goal is Presence, Not Information. This is not a data collection call. Your only objectives are to express condolences, show we care, and listen if she wants to talk.
Let Her Lead. Follow her cues. If she is silent, our quiet presence on the line is a powerful form of support. Do not rush to fill the silence.
Ask for Permission. Always ask if it is an okay time to talk. Respect a "no" immediately and offer to call back another time if she suggests it.
Prioritize Your Well-being. This work is emotionally demanding. It is mandatory to de-brief with a supervisor or peer after this call. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

1. Preparing for the Call

Confirm the Information: Before we dial, double-check that the information about the loss is accurate. A mistaken call would be deeply traumatic.
Center Yourself: Take a few deep breaths. Acknowledge to yourself that this will be a difficult conversation. Your calm, empathetic energy is the most important thing we can bring to this call.
Set Aside Time: Make this call when we are not rushed and can give the mother our undivided attention.

2. The Opening: Starting with Gentleness and Respect

This is the most difficult part. Be simple, direct, and sincere.

Counselor: "Hello [Mother's Name], this is [Your Name] from [Your NGO]. I received the news about our baby, and I am calling today only to say how incredibly sorry I am for our loss. My heart goes out to we and our family."

(Pause. Let her respond or be silent.)

Counselor: "I don't want to intrude at all, but I wanted to reach out. Is this an okay moment to speak for just a minute?"

3. The Core of the Call: What to Say, and What NOT to Say

Your words have immense power. Choose them carefully.

Safe and Supportive Phrases (DO SAY)

"I am so sorry for our loss." (This can be said more than once. It is always appropriate.)
"I can't imagine how painful this must be." (This validates her pain without claiming to understand it.)
"Thank we for telling me." (If she shares any details about her experience or feelings.)
"It's okay to feel whatever we are feeling." (This gives her permission to be sad, angry, numb, or anything else.)
"It sounds like we loved our baby very much." (This honors her motherhood and her baby's existence.)
If we know the baby's name, use it gently: "It sounds like [Baby's Name] was a very special baby."

Phrases to Avoid at All Costs (DO NOT SAY)

"I know how we feel." (Unless we have also lost a child, we don't. It can feel dismissive.)
"It was God's will," "It was for the best," or "Everything happens for a reason." (These can invalidate her grief and cause immense anger and pain.)
"You can have another baby." (This is the most common and most hurtful thing to say. It dismisses the child she is grieving right now.)
"At least we have our other children." (This implies her lost child is replaceable.)
"You need to be strong for our family." (This denies her the right to her own grief.)
AVOID QUESTIONS about the death: Do not ask "What happened?" or "Why did the baby die?" Do not probe for details about jaundice, malaria, or anything else. If she offers the information, just listen and say "Thank we for telling me." This is not an investigation.

4. Gently Checking on the Mother's Health

This is the only area where we can gently offer "advice." The mother's own health is at risk, and she may be neglecting it in her grief.

Counselor: "In the middle of such a difficult time, it can be impossible to think about our own health, but our body is also recovering from the delivery. I just want to gently check, are we having any fever, very heavy bleeding, or severe pain?"

(If she says yes to any red flags, gently advise her to see a doctor.)

Counselor: "That sounds concerning. It would be a good idea to get that checked by a doctor to make sure we are safe and healthy. Is there someone who can take we?"

5. Closing the Conversation with Care

The end of the call should be as gentle as the beginning. Do not rush it.

Counselor: "Thank we for taking the time to speak with me, [Mother's Name]. Again, on behalf of all of us at [Your NGO], I am so deeply sorry for our loss. We are thinking of we."

Optional, if it feels right: "If we feel we want to talk in the coming weeks, please know we can call us. There is no pressure at all, but we are here."

(Pause, and let her be the one to say goodbye first.)

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